Rocking hammers to beat down cancer …

Gabe Kaplan may well be the single worst poker announcer ever. His announcing is about as skillful as Colin Quinn’s poker playing. It’s as if he has never held a deck of cards … I stopped watching the heads up poker showdown simply because:

1. I can’t handle his voice.
2. Whereas some poker commentators try to explain what a player might be thinking while deciding what to do with a hand (see: Lederer, Howard and Gordon, Phil), Kaplan usually states the blindingly obvious (“He’s got a pocket pair!”) and then states the exact opposite of what the player subsequently does (i.e. “He’s gonna have to lay this one down!” [Player goes all-in] “Or maybe not!”).
3. His calls are invariably wrong (see above). Gabe, you’re a lousy commentator, but you’re invited to any home game I ever hold. Bring money. Lots of it.

I swear, it seems like he has never even played the game - not a single variant of it. I’ve read some folks who get irritated by Vince Van Patten breathlessly exclaiming that so-and-so is looking down at a wired pair of 8s! In my opinion, Vince and Mike actually make a good announcing team, but Kaplan? Total car wreck. You could team him with Phil Gordon AND Howard Lederer and he would still be so awful that he might actually decrease their ability to offer insightful commentary on the play, sort of like the way that Chernobyl’s meltdown had effects on surrounding areas.

On the other hand, it might be funny to watch that - I can’t imagine that either one of them would put up with Kaplan’s constant stream of incorrect calls and bumbling asides that have nothing to do with the play.

Welcome back, Kotter. Please go away again. Now.